Wars and Windmills

21 May 2007


I am very cognizant of my almost preternatural inability to avoid the steady gaze of Murphy and his damnable Law. However, because of this knowledge I have developed over the years a kind of foresight, or spider sense that keeps relatively me safe. It's not strong enough to garner a call from the X-Men or anything, but it has served me well thus far.

Perhaps a example of my ability would be appropriate.

Some friends and I were caravaning to Vegas. I was following and pulled up behind him, in his rear wheel drive truck, in a right turning lane. I knew when he realized he was turning at the wrong street and would therefore need to go straight, that something bad was about to happen, and only to me. I knew it, and even said something. Everyone in the car laughed. They laughed even harder when the rock flew up from his rear wheel and put a massive crack in my windshield. I knew.

Welcome to the quagmire that I am treading, and often drowning, in.

I try and learn from these experiences and avoid situations that could easily allow the villainous gremlins, ones that I apparently fed after midnight, to do me harm. Now, having said that, I have felt for a long time that motorized recreational vehicles should be avoided at all costs. The reasons should be quite evident at this point. Those vehicles offer nothing a seething chasm of pain and decapitation, riddled with angry anti-Darrens awaiting their chance to join the fray. And it all is so very easily avoidable. Therefore, due to a strict avoidance policy, I have eluded serious bodily harm for quite some time. I have, however, had to face looking like the girliest of the brother-in-laws when I adamantly declined a quad spin around in the forest. Though the idea did sound fun, I knew I would hit some invisible log and destroy my face.

Despite all this, I have purchased myself a scooter. Huzzah.


  1. Maybe if you bought a helmet you would keep the anti-Darrens at bay...Just a thought

    --The Wife

  2. well darren's face, it's been nice knowing you.

  3. I am speechless...and that doesn't happen often...as you know!

  4. I know a dirty joke about your new ride, but I wouldn't post such a thing on the web. Maybe we can get together over Thanksgiving.

  5. Helmets are good my friend. Listen to the wisdom of thy beloved.

    Oh, and welcome to the world of the motorsickle. Be warned, it is more addicting than heroine.

  6. Oh Darren, I just about peed my pants laughing at this! You are so not the girliest of BIL's, but you should get a helmet to protect that face! :) Love the scooter and I predict that it will lead to bigger, 4-wheeled rides soon! Baby steps!

  7. "you know what the worst part about being smart is? i pretty much always know what's gonna happen"
    -billy bob in bandits.

    true. so true.

    and i love the pic

  8. your new, two-wheeled deer magnet.

  9. We happened to see him drive by the day he drove off the lot - and his mother said "I think that was Darren!" We didn't believe her, but flipped around anyways, then stealthily followed him for some time...full of agog and incredulity. It was a fun game.

    Though I will say - if one could *saunter* while driving, that would describe how he looked as he putted around the town.

  10. Anonymous1:35 PM


    Do you have any hot single friends with bikes? Helmets are cool but so are scars.


  11. Habs:

    I do his name is Tommy.

    Hot. Single. Scooter Owner. World's Smartest Genius.

    These are all titles he currently holds.

  12. Okay...now that I am over my speechlessness...and in all seriousness...if you won't wear a helmet...please, I beg of you...make sure your wife does wear one! Your face is okay...but her's, my friend, is beloved!

  13. I second Marilyn's opinion. I think we should put a helmet on Lu and harness her to a jungle gym.

  14. Darren,

    Lindsay does have a timeless face that you should keep from street sandpaper but Darren I always thought a disfiguring scar on your sweet mug would be pretty badass. Maybe not Joker style but something a la pirate edge of eye to corner of mouth slash. Of course, you would have to find some muscles to match. Not easily done for you my friend.


  15. And now I spelled her name wrong, undermining everything.