Wars and Windmills

27 November 2007

Something I Hate...4

I hate audience participation.

Trust me, I am not a mighty man, but may God help you if you are between me and the door when a speaker starts walking my way to try and make me to participate in any way; I will bite your face. I don't care one whit who you are -- Ghandi, Megatron, The Queen, Prince Charming -- if you come at me with that microphone and try to drag me up on stage, I'll drop you. I will honestly scratch a small child's eyes out before I get up on that stage to dance the Macarena or play charades.

And Mr. Speaker-man, don't even think about trying to manipulate me with the whole "Come on ladies and gentlemen, give him a bit of encouragement" malarkey, I will end you.


  1. Not even for a friendly game of charades? Hmmmm. Now that I know it made #4 on the list of things you hate I will lay off at family gatherings!

  2. Oh Shelly...I do hate charades, but I like you.

  3. A man after my own heart. My wife always, and I mean always, gets this cheerful duty. Every time we've gone to a public show of any sort, my ol' lady ends up on stage.

    Better her than me.

    This is so genius. An obvious truth brought out in the open. Huzzah!

  4. does Jack prescribe to the evil art of audience participation?

  5. Gauge out a child's eyes!?!??

  6. he most certainly does, Nate.

    Not gouge, Becca, scratch. I would never gouge.

  7. Oh, wow. Darren, ask Valerie about crowd participation. You've found a soul-mate in this regard. I have a guilt complex and I have a stunted sense of shame that make me participate. Also, I'm a bit of a show-off and a buffoon, not to mention, a spotlight stealer and narcissist...no, but Valerie will fold her arms, secure herself in her chair, and give nowhere near a damn.

  8. What James says is absolutly true.

    But it goes beyond getting up on stage or anything else that singles you out as an idiot: I hate anything that occurs en masse. I hate clapping along to music, inevitably, someone gets offbeat,
    and then everyone is offbeat, but everyone is still clapping. What a nightmare. And I hate being told to either get to my feet, put my hands in the air, or put my hands together. I will clap when someone does something worthy of my accolades. And not until then.

    James does participate. It was almost a deal breaker when it came down to marriage.

    One more question, Darren. Isn't your dad's work kind of a audience participation type thing? How do you get through holidays?

  9. Jack is very pro audience participation, but he s lucky, he has audiences full of James'