Wars and Windmills

17 December 2007

Something I Hate...19...and Final.

I hate the idea that balloons are still considered a commercial draw, even though you're an adult.

Case in point, the car dealership. Never in my live have I seen a 30-foot gorilla in a business suit and thought: "Man, I need to buy a car". I have thought: "Man, that would be cooler if it were fighting a balloon dinosaur in a Santa costume". And please, don't even remind me of the zany dancing balloons that look like they're getting tortured.

Alright, I know there has been a hiatus and that the original plan was one 'hate' a day until Christmas. However, I hate when an idea has run it's course and yet still doesn't stop. Like '24', the formula is dead, we don't need it any longer yet here comes a new season. Though I had a fun time hating, the idea of posting every day became bleak and more like a chore. I hate chores.

In another note...I lent someone my season one of Arrested Development and I don't remember to whom. If you're the lucky person, you have bested me and either you win a free set of digital video disks with the entire first season of a fine show, or you can return them and win my smile.

12 December 2007

Something I hate...18

I hate that these toys were never actually made:

11 December 2007

Something I Hate...17

I hate conversations that take place in person but over great distances and in public places.

College campuses are the worst place for this.

09 December 2007

Something I Hate...16

I hate when people say: git-r-done.

It is offensive to my sense of propriety, taste, and humor. It wasn't funny when the original comic coined the phrase, and it isn't funny or appropriate in daily situations...especially at work.

You: "Hey I am going to go _______" (whatever it is you do).
Other: "Nice. Git-r-done". (said with a southern accent though he/she isn't from the south)
You: *cringe*

08 December 2007

Something I Hate...15

I hate that laser is spelled with an 's' and not a 'z'.

Laser beam, one of the great English word combinations and it is cheapened by the laser's inability to execute full onomatopoeia status.

Science has really let us down.

07 December 2007

Something I Hate...14

I hate the personalized vanity license plate.

If I wanted to be playing Mad Gab whilst on the road I would have bought the pocket version. Somehow this became the champion expressive outlet for those who want all to know they love tulips. Or, while driving a VW Bug with a VW logo, they feel the sharp craving for redundancy and exclaim, in an odd spelling, that they are driving...wait for it...a VW Bug.

It is this kind of social activism that makes this so very country great.

06 December 2007

Something I Hate...13

I hate running into an old acquaintance at the grocery store.

You see them and exchange salutations, awkward interruptions as you both try to ask how the other is doing simultaneously, and miserable silences followed by cricket noises and an abrupt parting of ways. You then re-see them and then re-see them and then try to skip an aisle to not re-see them only to see them because they thought of the same 'uncomfortable avoidance trick' as you, and you both feel thwarted and forced, once again, to laugh uncomfortably at the serendipitous meeting, and to say: "See ya later". Which, of course, you will down aisle 12.

The aisle is your bane; it, at once, offers you substance for a price and impedes your getaway.

05 December 2007

Something I hate...12

I hate these:

Well, Jesus is always with us...

04 December 2007

Something I Hate...11

I hate the face people make whilst trying not to show they are yawning.

I could find no documented evidence to demonstrate what this looks like, but it is real and ungodly. I saw it on a man I admired greatly; he studied at Oxford, understood the thoughts of Søren Kierkegaard, David Hume, Immanuel Kant, and other great minds with the greatest of ease, he admired Steely Dan, he would eschew responsibility for a time to read Walden as a boy, but even he looked foolish trying to conceal his yawn during a particularly horrid oral report on ethics.

I know you have all seen it. The face contorts to a aberrant look with nostrils at full flare red from the strain, eyes watering but not spilling over while the eyelids struggle, blinking at almost Mach speed in attempts to stay open. The mouth, oh the poor mouth, it's stretched like a piece of plastic wrap over too many left-overs trying beyond hope to keep the black of the cavern behind from seeing light.

Of course this is an exercise in futility. You're not really fooling anyone as you sit in that boring meeting and your boss is looking right at you when you feel the desire to yawn hit. "Mustn't let mouth open...must fight urge...must prevail above desire for more oxygen...". Silly.

It begs the question: What is worse, a yawn, or the freakish face made while trying to masquerade that you're not yawning?

03 December 2007

Something I Hate...10

I hate beaded doorways.

Unless you're trying to ninja proof a room, make traversing through your home a gauntlet of tentacles that leech onto any loose part of clothing and cling there forcing you to abruptly stop mid stride, or a hippie, these are utterly pointless.

There is no normal walk that will get you through one either. A body coming through these beads is forced to duck down and plow through head first, which is reminiscent of the birthing process; no one I know wants to see a grown man be born through a bead womb. And, good luck if you have your hands full. Walking into a room ass first, I am sure in some in cultures is acceptable, but that isn't a nicety that I know of. Seeing a butt, no matter how large or skinny it is, breach through the beads first like the back of two parallel whales breaking the water's surface, is uncouth.

02 December 2007

Something I Hate...9

I hate hearing Beatles songs on commercials.

Not that I think that it really wasn't the intention of McCartney and Lennon to write jingles, and that Hello, Goodbye -- or Hello, Goodbuy --really is meant to help sell Target's excellent selection of, well, everything, but it has gotten to be gross. Damn you Michael Jackson.

"If it's allowed to happen, every Beatles song ever recorded is going to be advertising women's underwear and sausages. We've got to put a stop to it in order to set a precedent. Otherwise it's going to be a free-for-all. It's one thing you're dead, but we're still around! They don't have any respect for the fact that we wrote and recorded those songs, and it was our lives."
-George Harrison November 1987

01 December 2007

Something I Hate...8

I hate the 1994 song Jesse by Joshua Kadison.

She asks me how the cat's been. I say, "Moses he's just fine
but he used to think about you all the time.
We finally took your pictures down off the wall.
Oh, Jessie, how do you always seem to know just when to call?"
She says, "Get your stuff together. Bring Moses and drive real fast."
And I listen to her promise, "I swear to God this time it's gonna last."

With lyrics that poignant, nothing more need be said.