Wars and Windmills

25 February 2008

Hey Frampton! Do You Like Toast?

We have been three years now with no new Mitch to quench our dry throat. I have been trying to find replacements, but me thinks that carrying the One Ring to Mt. Doom would be an easier task. Instead, I hold an empty goblet jonsen' a quaff and am constantly denied. A few comedians have surfaced as contenders, especially Demetri Martin, yet they have all been found wanting. None, for example, have made me uncontrollably talk in their unique parlance for weeks on end unable to turn it off even for work (my apologies for those around me at the time). His jokes are nougatty goodness and when coupled with his absurd delivery, a baleful combination ensues with 100-percent chance of hilarity.

It's all about the delivery.

He inspired this very blog's feeble web address, as awkward, cumbersome, and utterly unoriginal as it is....oh how I loathe it. Alas, I am stuck with it.

A Few Unforgettables:

I was walking down the street the other day when this guy asked if I wanted a frozen banana...I said 'no' but then thought I might want a regular banana later, so...yeah.

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

I rent a lot of cars, but I don't always know everything about them. So a lot of times, I drive for like ten miles with the emergency brake on. That doesn't say a lot for me, but it really doesn't say a lot for the emergency brake. It's really not an emergency brake, it's an emergency "make the car smell funny" lever.

Whenever I walk, people try to hand me out flyers. And when someone tries to hand me out a flyer, it's kinda like they're saying "Here, you throw this away.

People used to think I was high on stage, because people associate long hair with drug use. I wish long hair was associated with something other than drug use. Like an extreme longing for cake. Then strangers would see a long haired guy and say, "That guy eats cake. He is on bunt cake." Mothers would say to their daughters, "Don't bring the cake eater over here anymore! He smells like flour. Did you see how excited he got when he heard your birthday was fast approaching?

About once every three years I think about buying a yo-yo. I’ll be at the store and I’ll come upon the yo-yo section. And I’ll fantasize about mastering it to the point where it becomes a reference as to who I am. “Do you know Mitch Hedberg? Is he that guy that kicks ass on the yo-yo?” Yes I do. He is cool.

I was walking down the street with my friend and he said, "I hear music", as if there is any other way you can take it in. You're not special, that's how I receive it too. I tried to taste it but it did not work.

I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside. Look out, he's fuzzy, let's get out of here.

I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.

Higginson, harbinger for all things cool, I owe you x 12 and far into eternity for this introduction.


  1. Anonymous8:27 PM

    Darren I also miss the Mitch. I'll be forever grateful that you intrduced me to his unique brand of hilarity. The donut receipt one is probably my favorite.

  2. The Funky-T!

    It has been far too long my friend. I have been keeping tabs on you via a network of informants and spies, so kudos to your upcoming move to Oregon and your professional acting gig in a Shakespeare company.

  3. 'who is the real he-ro?'


  4. "I saw a lady on TV, she was born without arms. That’s sad, but then they said, “Lola does not know the meaning of the word ‘can’t’.” That, to me, is even worse in a way. Not only is she missing arms, but she doesn’t understand simple contractions."

  5. Darren, I'm so happy with this post. And I also remember when you spoke like Mitch for a while. A long while. Luckily, I like Mitch Hedberg, so I didn't mind.
    *Is a hippopotomus really a hippopotomus or just a really cool opotomus?

    p.s. Is that Trevor Hill? How are you?

  6. Oh, Mitch. How do I miss thee?

    "A burrito is just a sleeping bag for meat!"

    Demetri Martin and Zach Galifianakis help fill the void but Mitch Hedburg was such a powerhouse.

  7. Rest in peace young Mitchell.

    It pains my soul to consider the many many jokes that will never be construed like a master loomsmith, weaving words marked couth with a lumbering cadence so sweet, into a timeless tapestry of peerless humor & alacrity.

    "I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific."

    "Fettuccine alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults."

    "Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience."

    "Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets."

    "It would be cool if you lived with a monster. You would never get hiccups."

  8. I too am for frilly toothpicks!

    Thanks for reintroducing Mitch to me. As you well know, I saw him one time on some late night show a long time ago. I laughed and laughed, but then my life became a living hell because I did not know who he was.

    You have remedied this comedy canker.