Wars and Windmills

20 February 2008

A Man's Man, Man

I am not known for my manliness: not like those two there. But just perhaps the happenings that occurred one day last week will change minds.

My wife has a brilliant habit of leaving the car lights on all day and thusly needing battery jumps. This happens a few times a month so she is getting used to asking for help. Mostly a jump is all that is required, but on Friday the battery wouldn't charge. The following things happened which may surprise and awe:

  • I remembered to take my ratchet set and tool box
  • I have a ratchet set and tool box
  • I realized that my ratchet set was not metric and that was why nothing was fitting (Uncanny. Where that knowledge came from I can not say, but yet I knew it as if it were innate.)
  • I went to an auto parts store (above all this justifies the manliness of the beard on my face)
  • I spoke intelligently with the store employee about both the battery and the need for a 10mm ratchet piece. (you'll notice here that I don't know what the detachable pieces of the ratchet set are called, but that should hardly detract from the uber manliness of the goings on of that day)
  • I removed the battery and only unscrewed two bolts that didn't need to be. TWO.

Before the list can continue it must be known that while changing the battery there was a twist of fate that would add exponentially to the manly day: a deer was hit by a car on 800 North in Orem. "Orem is no place for a deer", I thought quite impressed with my knowledge of native wild life. Anyway, the guy, who was driving a Hummer 2 the ultimate--I am trying to show you through overt means how manly I am--car didn't stop. After debating what level of douche bag the Hummer owner was the following occurred:

  • I went into the street and looked at the deer.
  • My friend and I discussed moving it from the road to assist motorists in their motoring (we decided against it due to lack of gloves...blood and an eye were everywhere not to mention tics and sticky.)
  • We stopped traffic while a man with gloves moved what was now venison
  • I thought to call my wife and have her call animal control and have them come and move the dead deer off school property
  • I looked at the deer and it's bubble eye again.
  • I put the new battery in with no left over, homeless bolts
  • I looked at my hands and there was grease on them
  • I wiped the grease on my jeans
  • I stood triumphantly

I have earned my stripes. Sadly in days past, yesteryear even, the road to manhood happened much earlier on then a person's thirtieth year, perhaps even by half. I have never been known for my speed. I have been known for my stealth...so....


  1. I'm impressed, Darren. Even Andy and I took off four, count them four, wrong screws on the back of my TV. And we stripped one! The day is yours, chum.

    Ew about the deer. I'm not a man.

  2. Hellz yes. I imagine that now you look about like Larry the Cable Guy.

    And they're called "sockets," bro. Not quite a sock, not quite a rocket, but amazing all the same.

  3. James, they day is big enough to be partly yours via the transitive property.

    SOCKETS....man I think I knew that but just couldn't conjure it from the murk of the grey matter in my head. I did cut the sleeves off all my shirts in the heat of a strange urge later that same day.

  4. AT LAST! A manly man, at last. Now YOU are the son Dad never had. Er...the son he did have. Uh, DOES have. Um....well, you know what I mean.

  5. I've always known you had it in ya' lad!

    Now if you would have cooked a can of chili on the exhaust manifold, the transformation would have been complete.

    Hey, lets go to the Army/Navy surplus store today and buy camo stuff and chinese stars.

  6. Anonymous9:11 PM

    The phrase "Orem is no place for a deer" was the funniest part of all my friend. --Habs

  7. Now that you've started down this road, you should know where it ends.

    Lacing your skeleton with Adamantium.

  8. I've never been more attracted to you than right now.

  9. dan,

    I don't think that wolverine did a lot of automotive work. Just a guess.


    Too bad you worked on a volkswagen. It just didn't do it for me. Maybe next time.

  10. Lindsey,

    That makes two of us. And now we battle.

  11. Darren, I laugh and laugh and laugh. And then get intimidated by all the testosterone. Impressive for sure.