Wars and Windmills

29 May 2009


I love mine.

Every man should grow one in his life...even if it is only scant, splotchy, or wispy. (especially James, Dan, and Grant)

My friend Kristen was happy to finally make it's acquaintance in person this week on my short but bangarang week in Utah for my sisters wedding.

My wife is in deep like with my beard...which is sweet because, having it sans spousal blessing would prove, I believe, problematic.

I was told by a member of the stake presidency recently to shave...I said no. I said it isn't a testimony stick by which to measure my piety. Then a time later the stake president said it looked great and I shouldn't have been told that. Satisfying and factual.

Having a beard makes eating without a napkin always a mistake.

A beard gives you a jaw line when your neck area refuses to supply one on its own due to over plumping.

Keeping a neatly trimmed beard can make a beard turn boring and you will be upset for a time, because often, with the exception of jungle cats, the more untamed the better.

My beard is multicolored. Calico even. This makes for a rich sense of indecision on my face's part.

Once Joe brought up his mustache (which is one of my favorite parts of the full beard) and the distinct smell it has each time he grows it; I commented that mine smells of tire rubber. Upon rethinking, I would change that and say it is more like the old air coming from the tire when it is being released.

My first beard was for Euro Trip 2005. I made the novice beard-faced mistake of finding it itchy and therefore leaving it on the bathroom floor in Florence. Regrets. I grew a new one as soon as my job allowed.

Shaving my beard was the only prerequisite for Lindsey's hand in marriage. It was a harder decision then I will ever admit to in any manner other than indirect reference. I grew a new one as soon as my end of that contract had been upheld.

I have yet to find myself stroking my beard while lost in thought. I am, however, expecting this any day now.

A pipe is the ultimate accessory for a beard. Sadly no one has yet to see the profit in tobacco-less tobacco so it remains unpacked and unlit.

Beards without mustaches are odd...one is forced to wonder if that look was the mullet if its day: clean out front, party down the sides. If so then Brigham and the Amish just blasted into the mega-cool stratosphere.


  1. Gorgeous post.

    Though, I must say, it would be more gorgeous if it ended with a candid photo of your own beardmongering mug. Share the glory, man! I can't grow my own, I can only admire others' beards!

    The beard mullet gives me heebie jeebies. How can a beard mulleted man get so many wives? So many wives at the same time? I'll never figure it out.

  2. Gillz, I agree. It's never a bad thing to see a picture of Ibid.

  3. Yes, give us a close up of that chin monster.

    I have grown a beard, Darren. Twice. The first time was in honor of your Europe trip. I grew it traipsing the Cinco Terra and bridges of Prague. But I shaved it because I came back to Idaho.

    The second one was recently and I kept it for a few months until one day my dad showed up. In my mirror. A man whose face I haven't spied in five plus years. And it freaked me out and I was shorn quick.

    I will try again. Under your advisement. I actually looked not half bad with a mustache. A little creepy but fine enough.

  4. "A beard gives you a jaw line when your neck area refuses to supply one on its own due to over plumping."

    Sadly, this is a primary reason for my beard. Heaven knows that I have always lacked a jawline, or even a chin, and the fact that I noticed the pseudo-line that facial hair gave me was the reason for my high school 6 hair throat goatee. (Which was tragically thwarted in a violent incineration of gum-off)

    Alas, I am a fat, bald man. But more manly indeed due to the beard that has not left my face for a good couple of years. Oh, and kids like it too.

  5. James, how have I not know this? I am a bad friend. I can picture you with a 'stache but that is it.

    i suck.

    as for the picture of me...pass.

  6. Mine gets pretty thick above the ears but a few purists out there have contended against this classification.

  7. Darren, while it may be true that a neatly trimmed and colored beard may make for a dull and boring beard, the weight of history does show that said beard will help a person sell vast amounts of Oxyclean.

  8. I offer up an emphatic here-here! Incidentally, I just switch from shampooing my beard with Pert Plus to Head and Shoulders, and I can't be more pleased with my newfound mustache smell.

  9. Saw this and thought of you!


    Sorry, you'll have to copy and paste, as I am no html genius...it's worth it though!

  10. beards without the mustache, the mullet of its day. Indeed. I love it. I support beards.

  11. I am at BYU as I write this. I am here for a week long teacher thingy. I just wanted you to know that I haven't shaved, in any way, for two months.

    I am such a MAN....man.

  12. Just watch out for the Beard Hunter. BTW, yr blog is rad. Just delurking. Peace.

  13. Dylan, welcome and thanks for the sage advice; I wouldn't want to have my beard end up on his belt...the smarmy bastard.